this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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