you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
