if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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