so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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