Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
