Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Everclear isn't food dammit
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
