My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
