I wish I could teleport
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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