Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
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