I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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