My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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