Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
