you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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