I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
