So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I cut my penus on the lid.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
