dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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