A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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