but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
