So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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