tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
