Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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