i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
