I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
