i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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