the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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