If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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