His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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