im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Randomize
