Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Randomize
