I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
