If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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