Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
