Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
