you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
