your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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