You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Randomize
