Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
