Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Randomize
