M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
