the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
She bit a glass in half.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
