Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
