I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
