did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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