Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
