headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
