I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize