The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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