if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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