that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
