I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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