I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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