I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
