Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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