I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
