well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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